taking risks

So Much Left to Learn & Where to Start

origami-heart-2

I had an interesting conversation with my daughter, Bug, tonight. Thought I’d share it.

“It’s good to see you smiling again,” Bug said. “I haven’t seen you that sad ever, even when you and dad broke up.”

I smiled. “Well, I’d forgotten something very important that I knew when your dad and I decided we were better as friends.”

“What is it?” she asked.

“Sometimes things don’t work out, but no matter what happens we should always do things with love. Our hearts don’t stop loving people just because they’re not part of our lives.”

“But what if they’re mean? Like say they tell everyone bad stuff about you and tease you. And what if they get really mad and yell at you?”

“Well, do you stop loving me when I get upset?”

“No, but you don’t yell at me. You just say you’re disappointed because you know I can make better choices.”

Yeah, I kinda giggled inside, then said, “Bug Juice, people are going to get mad. Not everyone is meant to be with everyone else. Sometimes life can be complicated, but I won’t stop loving them because we don’t agree on something or because they aren’t part of my life.”

“So if we got in a fight and say I ran away to an island with crazy monsters that eat kids, but decided to come home because I don’t like monsters to gobble me up, would you still love me Hug Much when I came back?”

“Yeppers,” I said. “I’d still love you Hug Much.”

“Would you give me cake when I came back?”

“Nope.”

“But you said you’d still love me.”

“Yep, but if you run away, then no cake. House rules.”

“We need new rules,” Bug said, returning to her computer game.

***

My paradigm had already begun shifting earlier this week. This conversation shifted it for good. P.S. it’s truly amazing how much children actually see.

In all the craziness of the past few weeks, I’d forgotten something very important —

Everything must be done with love and kindness.

 

This last couple of years has been some kind of growing experience. I’ve had amazing teachers who opened my eyes to the scope of fullness and lack. They’ve provided brilliant contrast to show me what I absolutely want from this life and the lessons I have yet to learn. And whoa, do I have so much more left to learn — about people, about writing, about manifesting, about crafting life.

This latest experience brought far more joy than anything else. I met some incredible people and fell in love, neither are something I will soon forget. But the biggest lesson of all is approach everyone with love because we’re all fighting internal battles no one else will see.

The major shift for me came when I let go of hurt and pain to see the situation for what it was, when I realized nothing ultimately had to do directly with me except the things I took on as mine and my actions. More over, the things I was trying to take on weren’t mine to carry.

There’s a saying about relationships that goes something like this…

“Your joys are doubled because happiness of one is happiness of the other. Your burdens are halved since when we share them we divide the load.”

 

 

In a partnership, we have to be able to recognize what things we can share and what belongs to the other to carry. And there are definitely things we aren’t meant lift, but that doesn’t mean we can’t support them while they’re dealing with it.

Ultimately, my goal was to build a life with an incredible man, to share our joys and ease our burdens together. Of course, I skillfully ignored the fact he was already living the life he wanted, and my contribution was as a temporary escape, a vacation spot. And I did thoroughly enjoy the breaks and have good memories to take with me.

I’ll continue to love him because our hearts don’t stop loving people, but  being with him taught me something else.

I want more.

To craft a life, share joys and burdens, grow together, live together, love together; experience the fullness of life in all its peace and, sometimes, chaos. To craft a life well-lived… together. Because we learn so much more looking through the eyes of another than we’ll ever learn looking through our own.

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Categories: breaking illusions, Choice, lettng go, love, memories, relationships, self reflection, taking risks | Tags: , , | 2 Comments

First Steps

“And  the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the  risk it took to blossom.”
~ Anais Nin

* * *

Pain.

We suppress it. Look for any possible means to avoid it. Some people choose drugs and alcohol, others throw themselves into love, while still others are addicted to chasing after it as a completely different type of escape.

I did everything I could to avoid feeling the pain of losing that relationship—threw myself into writing, created the entire illusion of a life, including temporary relationships that would dull it for a time. Sure, they were all very nice, and the life I’ve created is less of an illusion now, but the truth is I needed to feel the full unbridled emotions of loss in order to move forward.

We all need to mourn. For many, they never get the chance to say goodbye. The long slow transition from lovers to friends hadn’t allowed me the closure I needed to let go of the first to fully embrace the second. I do blame him for part of that. My repeated attempts to say, “This is the end of the romance we had” were met with opposition because in some ways he was never ready to let go either. But, and this may sound harsh, his selfishness in not allowing that final moment, that final kiss prolonged what should have been a faster transition.

There would have been pain either way, but at least there would have been closure too.

After lying in a puddle on the kitchen floor, trembling and sobbing, the white-hot stabbing pain in my chest became a dull ache. It’s not over completely, one day of mourning isn’t likely to bring finality to anything, but it’s a start—one that was a long time coming to bear.

Happiness and bliss are wonderful, and I’d like to say that we grow more from love than anything else, but we’re human. So I’m not going to lie to you. Pain, loss, grief, anxiety, fear—they’re all a part of the cycle of growth and life. We must dig deep to find the tools to deal with them, instead of burying everything in an endless cavern for fear we won’t survive. We’re stronger than that, and built to withstand the successions of death and growth that face us. It’s a fact of our existence that everything eventually ends.

We are then confronted with another fact—The Next Step.

Where do we go after challenging our demons? Up?

Do we wake to another sunrise, drag out of bed, and then fall down into slumber to start again? Yes… and no.

Well, after a bout of compression (down cycle) we then move into expansion… or at least we’re supposed to. Some people get caught in a Bi-polaresque growth/death scenario because they have yet to fully deal with the pain. It’s rapid and destructive and tends to pull people back repeatedly. As long as we’re imprisoned there, we’ll never reach the expansion (up cycle) part of the journey.

Now, I’m not saying that up cycles are all giggles and laughs, but what’s important is the emotional and spiritual growth that happens because of the new tools we learn. Better ways to tackle anxiety, facing a loss instead of hiding from it, accepting failure as a part learning a better way to do something, creating long-lasting relationships built on a basis of love and trust, living in a daily state of happiness because you’ve seen the darkest days and know that the sun will eventually rise. All of these build a foundation. In them, we find that life can be as remarkable or ordinary as we choose to make it.

Ordinary is fine. However, most people choose it not because they desire a generally calm state of being, but because they’re afraid of facing pain, loss, grief, anxiety, and fear. Hiding ourselves from the world won’t stop any of those things from finding us, and can actually contribute to extended compression cycles in which no growth occurs.

Remarkable takes less work than most people think, but requires greater risk—risk of heartache, of loss, of failure, of everything not turning out in a precisely calculated way. But some of the best things, the greatest blessings in my life happened by sheer accident. I didn’t seek them out, but was open enough to let them in when they appeared.

That’s the way the universe works, it’s random and beautiful and calculated and spontaneous all at the same time. We may not know what lies in wait around the next corner, but after facing the darkness and coming out alive… what do really have to fear and what can we gain by risking it all?

Categories: belief, certainty, Choice, choosing faith, heart, hope, journey, lettng go, loss, love, moving forward, relationships, taking risks, the fear that binds us, the next step | Tags: , | 4 Comments

In Time

*

Time bought and sold

as if they have a choice

no voice to kill the clatter

 

In stair cells, children wait

for their clocks to start

jolted hearts of the almost dead

 

Outside, minute men steal

what they can’t extort

pill short, never enough to go around

 

Seconds count down

in hourglass winks

most sink with all-in wagers

 

In the end, time reapers

catch their man

the sand has finally run down

Categories: clocks, for sale, freedom, heart, hourglass, life, messages, taking risks, time | Tags: | 2 Comments

Reborn

*

Hush the sky, my dearest

let the cracks fill

with a soft blue of the reborn

 

Listen to the memory of rain

tap down storm drains

like a train on iron tracks

 

Tempests do not follow

down paths of light

where darkness dare not dwell

 

The damp ground

with its aroma of life

reawakens to thoughts of spring

 

We do not travel lightly here

heavy with burdens

lost to blinded eyes

 

Still, the blue of horizons

not yet conquered

await our footsteps

 

So, hush the sky, my dearest

the cracks fade in footfalls

and in their echo, we are reborn

Categories: belief, choosing faith, freedom, heart, journeymen, love, memories, messages, patience, purpose, taking risks | Tags: | Leave a comment

Day 3: Letting Go

It’s no secret I get lost in things from time to time. I have a tendency to throw all of me into whatever I’m doing…until I don’t. The last few months I’ve thrown all of me into you. I have no regrets on that count, because you needed someone and I did too. But I think we’re both past that now.

It’s always amuses me to see the lines people pull out of posts. I wonder if they see the ones that resonate with me. Not that it matters, because I don’t really write them for me anymore. I know one thing for sure and I’ve repeated it again and again to see how it sounds. I do that you know…say things out loud to see how they fit. It’s the reason I’ll read my posts over and over. When I hear them out loud I know what is personal truth and what was written from everyone else.

Anyway, I guess this leading somewhere. I’ve said goodbye and your name countless times, but it never seem to fit. It still doesn’t. Here’s the thing though, you pulled out That line. The one line that didn’t really fit in the post. The funny thing is as soon as I saw it, four little words that finally did fit popped into my head.

Time to let go.

What do they say about letting things go? If it comes back to you it’s meant to be? I don’t know if you will, but I can’t worry about that anymore. Cause it’s holding me back…and, in a way, you too. So this is Me letting You go.

A few things for us ❤

~   ~   ~   ~   ~

 

Balance regained

And what you lost

On the curves won’t be noticed

Not by your eyes anyway

 

Swing round that bend once more

Search through every door

For that thing you left behind

Cause time, won’t wait for you to move

 

Some connections bend

While others break

And for the sake, of argument

Let’s say this one just frayed

 

And what you lost

While spinning those curves

Can’t be felt, at least

not by your heart anyway

 

So stay a while longer

And when you’re stronger

I’ll watch you walk away

Cause this one has frayed

past the point of reconstruction

 

~   ~   ~   ~   ~

I’m holding you back.

no, wait, You’re holding me back.

or are we just holding each other back?

doesn’t really matter anyway

cause we’re back to where we started.

walls up, hearts down, wait,

hear that sound or

was it just the silence again?

 

I’ll pack my boxes,

you grab yours

the memories should be enough

to hold us back a little more.

 

If the stars line up right

maybe you’ll catch me on tour

cause one thing not written

in all those bright lights

is where we go from here.

and here is so far from

where we started

 

So, I’ll pack my boxes,

you grab yours

the memories should be enough

to hold us back a little more.

 

And if one day the loneliness

screams inside your mind

rip a box open

you’ll be fine

cause I was holding you back

and You were holding me back

and now we’re back

to where we started

 

Walls up, hearts down

with memories in boxes

we can move around

~   ~   ~   ~   ~

“Go to him, stay with him if you can but…….”

~   ~   ~   ~   ~

 

 

 

Categories: choosing faith, Drive by life, heart, joni mitchell, lettng go, life, love, messages, moving forward, purpose, relationships, taking risks, True love | Tags: | Leave a comment

Contentment

Most days I’m content with the way the wind blows and the sporadic rainfalls of late summer are just enough to clear my head. But the last few months have driven me far from that peace. The simple pleasures of the now are no longer within my grasp. And the frustration is starting to wear on me.

This pathological search mode isn’t part of my baseline. Typically everything has a place and I know where to find it when the need arises, but lately I feel a push I can’t quite quantify. It feels as if I’m being pushed to find the answer to a question I don’t even know. Maybe that’s wrong, because if you broke it down, I think you’d find that something is missing. A part of me that I never noticed before seems empty.

I spent many nights blaming it on the addictions, the lack of contact, writing too much or too little, and those everyday stressors we encounter. The truth is something in me just isn’t there. So my entire being is grasping at straws hoping to catch the right one. The exhaustion of continually pulling back the wrong straw has led me here; back to the page, because if I write it out maybe sense will follow.

I have my doubts, but then that shouldn’t surprise you. I talked about taking risks in my last post. The biggest of which, for me, is believing in myself. Maybe that’s the answer…maybe not. And in those words I reveal something about myself, I think. I am, at the core, a person who needs to find the answers in order to find peace. But how is that possible when the question is obscured?

You may or may not read this. You may or may not care, but then it’s not your job. In the end, I guess it’s just another leg of the journey. Without growth we stagnant and I can think of no greater crime than to sit in one place and never take the next step. So, though I don’t know the question…or answer, I’ll continue to search. Until I find the question, until I know the answers, until the universe shifts again, until exhaustion takes me and I can no longer continue.

~   ~

~   ~   ~

“There’s just too many words we’re never meant to learn…”

Categories: answers, belief, contentment, Drive by life, life, love, messages, patience, questions, relationships, searching, self reflection, taking risks, the next step | Tags: | 6 Comments

Taking Risks

“Only those who will risk

going too far

Can possibly find out

how far one can go”

T.S. Eliot

 

Think back to the biggest risk you’ve ever taken. Did it involve love or money or children? Was it taking that new job cross country in a place you’ve never been? Did everyone support you or just a loyal few?

I thought the risks I’d taken in my life were epic. To most people they are, but the biggest risk I’ve ever faced is still something I struggle with today.

 

Belief.

 

This isn’t a spiritual matter; though many might point skyward for the strength to confront it. No, I’m talking about belief…in yourself.

We typically grow up hearing one of two things: 1) You’re going to take over the world one day…or 2) You’re nothing special get back in line.

I grew up hearing both. Imagine the confusion of a young introverted girl with little self-confidence who wasn’t particularly attractive, and then add to it the mixed messages of being great while being nothing at all. It’s a wonder I’ve made it this far, if I’m being honest. I spent the last 38 years digging through the muddle of mixed messages constantly bombarding my brain. A battle I’m still fighting as I type.

You can tell me it’s great, I’ll say it’s okay. You can tell me it’s brilliant, I’ll search for the flaws you missed. You can tell me it’s the best thing you’ve ever read, I’ll know you’re just being nice. Do you see the holes I dig? I’d say it’s not intentional, but that’s a bold face lie. It’s far easier to sabotage yourself than actually
believe.

Believe you’re a good person, believe you deserve to be special, believe you have value, and believe you have talent.

So I carry a coin in the pocket of my bag to remind me of the one risk I’ve yet to take. It’s weighted with enough will power to keep me going, but not so much to pin me in the holes. If one day I should catch up to the belief so many others have in me you’ll know. Because no star will shine brighter, no sunset will be more brilliant, no voice will sing as sweet as the words that will pour from my fingers.

Categories: belief, choosing faith, Drive by life, heart, life, memories, messages, moving forward, T.S. Eliot, taking risks, unconditional love | Tags: | 7 Comments

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