memories

So Much Left to Learn & Where to Start

origami-heart-2

I had an interesting conversation with my daughter, Bug, tonight. Thought I’d share it.

“It’s good to see you smiling again,” Bug said. “I haven’t seen you that sad ever, even when you and dad broke up.”

I smiled. “Well, I’d forgotten something very important that I knew when your dad and I decided we were better as friends.”

“What is it?” she asked.

“Sometimes things don’t work out, but no matter what happens we should always do things with love. Our hearts don’t stop loving people just because they’re not part of our lives.”

“But what if they’re mean? Like say they tell everyone bad stuff about you and tease you. And what if they get really mad and yell at you?”

“Well, do you stop loving me when I get upset?”

“No, but you don’t yell at me. You just say you’re disappointed because you know I can make better choices.”

Yeah, I kinda giggled inside, then said, “Bug Juice, people are going to get mad. Not everyone is meant to be with everyone else. Sometimes life can be complicated, but I won’t stop loving them because we don’t agree on something or because they aren’t part of my life.”

“So if we got in a fight and say I ran away to an island with crazy monsters that eat kids, but decided to come home because I don’t like monsters to gobble me up, would you still love me Hug Much when I came back?”

“Yeppers,” I said. “I’d still love you Hug Much.”

“Would you give me cake when I came back?”

“Nope.”

“But you said you’d still love me.”

“Yep, but if you run away, then no cake. House rules.”

“We need new rules,” Bug said, returning to her computer game.

***

My paradigm had already begun shifting earlier this week. This conversation shifted it for good. P.S. it’s truly amazing how much children actually see.

In all the craziness of the past few weeks, I’d forgotten something very important —

Everything must be done with love and kindness.

 

This last couple of years has been some kind of growing experience. I’ve had amazing teachers who opened my eyes to the scope of fullness and lack. They’ve provided brilliant contrast to show me what I absolutely want from this life and the lessons I have yet to learn. And whoa, do I have so much more left to learn — about people, about writing, about manifesting, about crafting life.

This latest experience brought far more joy than anything else. I met some incredible people and fell in love, neither are something I will soon forget. But the biggest lesson of all is approach everyone with love because we’re all fighting internal battles no one else will see.

The major shift for me came when I let go of hurt and pain to see the situation for what it was, when I realized nothing ultimately had to do directly with me except the things I took on as mine and my actions. More over, the things I was trying to take on weren’t mine to carry.

There’s a saying about relationships that goes something like this…

“Your joys are doubled because happiness of one is happiness of the other. Your burdens are halved since when we share them we divide the load.”

 

 

In a partnership, we have to be able to recognize what things we can share and what belongs to the other to carry. And there are definitely things we aren’t meant lift, but that doesn’t mean we can’t support them while they’re dealing with it.

Ultimately, my goal was to build a life with an incredible man, to share our joys and ease our burdens together. Of course, I skillfully ignored the fact he was already living the life he wanted, and my contribution was as a temporary escape, a vacation spot. And I did thoroughly enjoy the breaks and have good memories to take with me.

I’ll continue to love him because our hearts don’t stop loving people, but  being with him taught me something else.

I want more.

To craft a life, share joys and burdens, grow together, live together, love together; experience the fullness of life in all its peace and, sometimes, chaos. To craft a life well-lived… together. Because we learn so much more looking through the eyes of another than we’ll ever learn looking through our own.

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Categories: breaking illusions, Choice, lettng go, love, memories, relationships, self reflection, taking risks | Tags: , , | 2 Comments

Raindrops & Roots

*

Reclined

in the rain

Declined

the neighbor’s insane stares

we were perfect then

when love had no purpose

and raindrops bathed us

 

Muddied

the earth was ours

Cleansed

souls connecting stars

lit scars of their formation

this Claymation of simplicity

roots offset by reality.

 

Apart

the drops now sigh

Together

they become our cry

stand by for one more run

as we succumb to back then

when love – had no purpose.

*

“We had to learn how to bend…”

Categories: heart, memories, messages, not giving up, purpose, relationships, scars, stars, unconditional love | Tags: | 4 Comments

Crossroads

Crossroad casualties

abnormalities of smart enough

to show up, too young to care

warning flares will set

the heading straight

just wait to find the limit

 

Inane carriage proposals

marked traces of reservation

behind sedimentary fear

so clear the toss of forever

he’ll never wander there

still far too young to care

 

disillusioned renders

lenders of the immediate

but not a moment more

the core of volatility

swollen with instability

a heart that stays at war

Categories: Drive by life, heart, lettng go, life, love, memories, messages, relationships | Tags: | 3 Comments

Reborn

*

Hush the sky, my dearest

let the cracks fill

with a soft blue of the reborn

 

Listen to the memory of rain

tap down storm drains

like a train on iron tracks

 

Tempests do not follow

down paths of light

where darkness dare not dwell

 

The damp ground

with its aroma of life

reawakens to thoughts of spring

 

We do not travel lightly here

heavy with burdens

lost to blinded eyes

 

Still, the blue of horizons

not yet conquered

await our footsteps

 

So, hush the sky, my dearest

the cracks fade in footfalls

and in their echo, we are reborn

Categories: belief, choosing faith, freedom, heart, journeymen, love, memories, messages, patience, purpose, taking risks | Tags: | Leave a comment

The Flood

 

If there is light I cannot see it.

If there is hope I cannot find it.

If there is purpose I do not know it.

If there is faith I no longer have it.

And if this is life I no longer covet it.

 

~   ~

~   ~   ~

Categories: Drive by life, memories, messages, pain, purpose | 1 Comment

Day 2: Back to You

Today the wind was just strong enough to knock some dust off the cover. The title engraved on the front in filigree and gold made me step back. I felt my chest pull in jagged, staggered breaths as my fingertips traced the words. You’d think, given the size of the book, the title might be deep and descriptive; something to entice the mind enough to pick it up, but the imageless cover held three simple words.

It took me a moment to slow the gyrations long enough to let them sink in. You can find the most profound wisdom in simplicity. Something I used to know, but lost somewhere in the trees, in the river, in short days and long nights…in him. I guess love can make you lose a lot of things. It’s crafty and clever, wrapping you in comfort until you’re slowly drowning in it.

I sighed, brushing more dust off the edge of the cover. The dips and grooves on the front told a story of their own. Like the face of a full moon, you could see the pitted scars of all the impacts centuries old. Though I’m sure the book has only been around for a few decades, it bears the weight of struggles so ancient even time cannot remember. Still, I felt its pain with every breath.

My lips mouthed the words, though no sound came out. If I forced them out one at a time, maybe I could grab them from the air before the wind whisked the words away. A simple plan I admit, but remember the wisdom in simplicity? One letter dripped from my lips, followed by a second, then third and forth.

~

B-a-ck.

~

The first word released from its covered prison, I grabbed it to tuck gently in my heart. Now for the second, I whispered.

~

T-o.

~

The euphoria of my success, twice proven, made the third word pour out so fast I almost missed it. My fingers fumble to catch each letter before it hit the ground. I’m sure anyone passing by would think me insane, but they wouldn’t be the first. I took the three little letters tucking them into my heart next to the others.

~

Y-o-u.

~

You may not be able to see the stunning revelation in those three tiny words, but then this book holds a story meant for one. Out there, waiting patiently, covered in dust is another book. A story you’ll know well when you see it. Each pit and groove will be as familiar as the back of your hand. Printed on the front, in filigree and gold, will be a simple title with meaning only you’ll truly understand. My only advice, have the courage to read it when the wind knocks just enough dust off to clear the words.

~   ~

~   ~   ~

“I’m too old to go chasing you around…”

Categories: Drive by life, freedom, heart, love, memories, messages, moving forward, pain, purpose, relationships | Tags: | 1 Comment

Taking Risks

“Only those who will risk

going too far

Can possibly find out

how far one can go”

T.S. Eliot

 

Think back to the biggest risk you’ve ever taken. Did it involve love or money or children? Was it taking that new job cross country in a place you’ve never been? Did everyone support you or just a loyal few?

I thought the risks I’d taken in my life were epic. To most people they are, but the biggest risk I’ve ever faced is still something I struggle with today.

 

Belief.

 

This isn’t a spiritual matter; though many might point skyward for the strength to confront it. No, I’m talking about belief…in yourself.

We typically grow up hearing one of two things: 1) You’re going to take over the world one day…or 2) You’re nothing special get back in line.

I grew up hearing both. Imagine the confusion of a young introverted girl with little self-confidence who wasn’t particularly attractive, and then add to it the mixed messages of being great while being nothing at all. It’s a wonder I’ve made it this far, if I’m being honest. I spent the last 38 years digging through the muddle of mixed messages constantly bombarding my brain. A battle I’m still fighting as I type.

You can tell me it’s great, I’ll say it’s okay. You can tell me it’s brilliant, I’ll search for the flaws you missed. You can tell me it’s the best thing you’ve ever read, I’ll know you’re just being nice. Do you see the holes I dig? I’d say it’s not intentional, but that’s a bold face lie. It’s far easier to sabotage yourself than actually
believe.

Believe you’re a good person, believe you deserve to be special, believe you have value, and believe you have talent.

So I carry a coin in the pocket of my bag to remind me of the one risk I’ve yet to take. It’s weighted with enough will power to keep me going, but not so much to pin me in the holes. If one day I should catch up to the belief so many others have in me you’ll know. Because no star will shine brighter, no sunset will be more brilliant, no voice will sing as sweet as the words that will pour from my fingers.

Categories: belief, choosing faith, Drive by life, heart, life, memories, messages, moving forward, T.S. Eliot, taking risks, unconditional love | Tags: | 7 Comments

Grab Bag Life

Grab bag life

1 for $10, or $20, or $30

depending on size

 

Uninvolved

resolved to live in a box

while the misty man laughs

his mark burned to the board

your list of days

 

Scratched lines

signs, of things you’ll never do

it’s true, meds and booze

will sooth disappointment away

but fear stays, a little longer

 

Confined

resigned to empty numbers

an order of days created

negotiated, bring peace to some

who can’t find freedom

 

Still resistant youth

find truth, in too many days

alive to all that matters

ignorant, to the scattered

wisdom of the old

who sold,

their lives in grab bags

Categories: Drive by life, freedom, grab bags, memories, messages, relationships, the next step, youth | Tags: | Leave a comment

Martin King Blogfest Blogger!

The ever charming and humorous Martin King came over to Settled Reality to share a little story about childhood mistakes. Yeah, I’ve made a few, but that’s for another post. Please enjoy!

 

 

What is the biggest mistake you’ve ever made? Come on we all make them…even as kids. Well I must confess to making one of the biggest errors ever.

It was very rare I got to go to the cinema and even rarer that I can remember what I went to watch. So imagine my delight when my best friend’s dad offered to take us both to the pictures.

I remember his words so clearly even now; “Would you like to go and see Star Wars or Warlords of Atlantis?” Looking back it was a no brainer. But to a ten-year old kid that’s never heard of either of them, it’s almost like tossing a coin.

You’ve got to admit, Warlords of Atlantis does sound like a pretty awesome film. So that is what we both chose. And off his dad took us to the Unit Four in Nelson. We were brimming with excitement as we took our seats. Nothing was to prepare for the biggest let down I can recall. What a load of rubbish.

But the evening was such a treat, it half papered over the cracks of disappointment. That is until every kid a school talked about nothing other than Star Wars. The fact that every shop you went into was full of Star Wars merchandise possibly heightened the hype even further.

So there you have it. The one that got away wasn’t just big…it was humongous – and I never did get to see it! What a mistake…

These blogs are all about fun and sharing. Thank you for reading a ‘#100blogfest’ blog. Please follow this link to find the next blog in the series: http://martinkingauthor.com/blog/7094550076

Categories: childhood, memories, mistakes, Star Wars, Warlords of Atlantis | Tags: | Leave a comment

Memories in Boxes

I’m holding you back.

no, wait, You’re holding me back.

or are we just holding each other back?

doesn’t really matter anyway

cause we’re back to where we started.

walls up, hearts down, wait,

hear that sound or

was it just the silence again?

 

I’ll pack my boxes,

you grab yours

the memories should be enough

to hold us back a little more.

 

If the stars line up right

maybe you’ll catch me on tour

cause one thing not written

in all those bright lights

is where we go from here

and here is so far from

where we started

 

So, I’ll pack my boxes,

you grab yours

the memories should be enough

to hold us back a little more.

 

And if one day the loneliness

screams inside your mind

rip a box open

you’ll be fine

cause I was holding you back

and You were holding me back

and now we’re back

to where we started

 

Walls up, hearts down

with memories in boxes

that we can move around

Categories: Drive by life, memories, moving forward, relationships, self reflection, the next step | Tags: | 2 Comments

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