My posts leading up to the release of A Man’s Promise were for a very special person in my life, and the subject of the story Roller Coaster. While it has been described as “gut-wrenchingly beautiful” it served a larger purpose for me and him.
In The Illusion of Separation I talk about society and individuals using separation as a means of power and control. He came from a heavily religious background, one that isn’t accepting of his life choices. They force their members to ostracize those who don’t fit their mold of perfection. In doing so, they create a lot of pain and suffering. All because of illusionary standards of conduct and life.
I went deeper into this in Authenticity because anything else is slow death and So Much Left to Learn, a sort of call to arms for him to live out loud. He’s struggling right now, and I can feel it every time we talk. Confused, slightly lost, unable to just live his truth whether the rest of the world agrees or not. He wants more, but doesn’t quite understand how to get it. It hurts to see him in so much pain, but I know this is his journey and I can’t live it for him. All I can do is show him what more looks like to me, and maybe he can use it as a road map to figure out what it looks like for him.
In Roller Coaster, I talk about unconditional love. When we began our relationship I knew something was different, but I also knew he needed one person in the world to love him unconditionally until he could do it for himself. In truth, I needed that too. But it’s a lot easier said, right? Most people struggle with loving themselves, so how can we possibly see the darkest parts of someone else and still love them completely?
Well, I suppose it’s about understanding we’re all human. Whole parts, broken parts, we all have them, and none are immune from the toll life exacts. So, it’s ultimately about embracing the perfectly imperfect beings we are and trying to be the very best version of ourselves today, then do it even better tomorrow.
He once told me my love was healing, but it took me a long time to see how that could be true. Mainly because I thought I couldn’t heal the broken bits within me.
Even now, I struggle with confusion and the overwhelming desire to hide away sometimes, but pushing through, whether anyone else understands it or not, is the only thing I can do.
Have I screwed up? Oh, hundreds of times. I’m good at screwing things up.
Am I sorry? Hell, I beat myself up a thousand times a day. I’m good at that too. No person alive can torture me the way I can torture myself. So, yes, I’m definitely sorry.
Have I stopped loving myself through all the shit I do wrong? No, and he taught me that. His love was healing too, but maybe not in the way either of us thought. During the two year roller coaster we lived, I “loved him more completely than any woman ever could,” his words not mine. In the process, I learned how to love myself. And it all started when I let go of fear and embraced something larger.
I’ve since learned that respect is just as important, which comes in at the end of the story. People can fain respecting you, they can offer blanket adoration, but until they see all the parts, broken and whole, you’ll never know if they truly love and respect you as a growing, evolving, and perfectly imperfect person. And here’s the hardest part… do we have the courage to walk away, even though we love them, even with the joy they bring, if they aren’t willing to accept us completely?
I have no answers, only questions, but I know through all the pain, even though it was one hell of a roller coaster, I will always love him for everything he is, not just for me, but for himself. Gay or not, with me or not, he is one hell of an incredible man. I hope he realizes that one day.
“…I did thoroughly enjoy the breaks and have good memories to take with me.
I’ll continue to love him because our hearts don’t stop loving people, but being with him taught me something else.
I want more.”
Now go find your more and live it out loud.
I love you now, I’ll love you always. ❤
“And just like them old stars
I see that you’ve come so far
To be right where you are
How old is your soul?”