Monthly Archives: January 2013

Cerise Dawn

0 red dawn

* * *

Cerise dawn,
lawn still fresh with dew.
She withdrew to uncover
spades large enough,
their rough watercolor edges,
and smooth ledges worn by love;
all scenes she could not see.

Dug in,
she begins the task
to unmask stalemates
that bind her heart.
Another start, but no falter.
She’ll halter the opines
until the job is done.

Letting go,
walk slow to keep from tripping.
The ripping no longer sounds
like bugle calls at twilight,
No night to halt the day,
these memories stay intact,
but lack the shadow
pain once cast.

* * *

Healing for the mind… and heart… and soul. 🙂

Categories: behind the words, certainty, Choice, choosing faith, heart, hope, journey, lettng go, rebirth, scars, unconditional love | Tags: | Leave a comment

First Steps

“And  the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the  risk it took to blossom.”
~ Anais Nin

* * *

Pain.

We suppress it. Look for any possible means to avoid it. Some people choose drugs and alcohol, others throw themselves into love, while still others are addicted to chasing after it as a completely different type of escape.

I did everything I could to avoid feeling the pain of losing that relationship—threw myself into writing, created the entire illusion of a life, including temporary relationships that would dull it for a time. Sure, they were all very nice, and the life I’ve created is less of an illusion now, but the truth is I needed to feel the full unbridled emotions of loss in order to move forward.

We all need to mourn. For many, they never get the chance to say goodbye. The long slow transition from lovers to friends hadn’t allowed me the closure I needed to let go of the first to fully embrace the second. I do blame him for part of that. My repeated attempts to say, “This is the end of the romance we had” were met with opposition because in some ways he was never ready to let go either. But, and this may sound harsh, his selfishness in not allowing that final moment, that final kiss prolonged what should have been a faster transition.

There would have been pain either way, but at least there would have been closure too.

After lying in a puddle on the kitchen floor, trembling and sobbing, the white-hot stabbing pain in my chest became a dull ache. It’s not over completely, one day of mourning isn’t likely to bring finality to anything, but it’s a start—one that was a long time coming to bear.

Happiness and bliss are wonderful, and I’d like to say that we grow more from love than anything else, but we’re human. So I’m not going to lie to you. Pain, loss, grief, anxiety, fear—they’re all a part of the cycle of growth and life. We must dig deep to find the tools to deal with them, instead of burying everything in an endless cavern for fear we won’t survive. We’re stronger than that, and built to withstand the successions of death and growth that face us. It’s a fact of our existence that everything eventually ends.

We are then confronted with another fact—The Next Step.

Where do we go after challenging our demons? Up?

Do we wake to another sunrise, drag out of bed, and then fall down into slumber to start again? Yes… and no.

Well, after a bout of compression (down cycle) we then move into expansion… or at least we’re supposed to. Some people get caught in a Bi-polaresque growth/death scenario because they have yet to fully deal with the pain. It’s rapid and destructive and tends to pull people back repeatedly. As long as we’re imprisoned there, we’ll never reach the expansion (up cycle) part of the journey.

Now, I’m not saying that up cycles are all giggles and laughs, but what’s important is the emotional and spiritual growth that happens because of the new tools we learn. Better ways to tackle anxiety, facing a loss instead of hiding from it, accepting failure as a part learning a better way to do something, creating long-lasting relationships built on a basis of love and trust, living in a daily state of happiness because you’ve seen the darkest days and know that the sun will eventually rise. All of these build a foundation. In them, we find that life can be as remarkable or ordinary as we choose to make it.

Ordinary is fine. However, most people choose it not because they desire a generally calm state of being, but because they’re afraid of facing pain, loss, grief, anxiety, and fear. Hiding ourselves from the world won’t stop any of those things from finding us, and can actually contribute to extended compression cycles in which no growth occurs.

Remarkable takes less work than most people think, but requires greater risk—risk of heartache, of loss, of failure, of everything not turning out in a precisely calculated way. But some of the best things, the greatest blessings in my life happened by sheer accident. I didn’t seek them out, but was open enough to let them in when they appeared.

That’s the way the universe works, it’s random and beautiful and calculated and spontaneous all at the same time. We may not know what lies in wait around the next corner, but after facing the darkness and coming out alive… what do really have to fear and what can we gain by risking it all?

Categories: belief, certainty, Choice, choosing faith, heart, hope, journey, lettng go, loss, love, moving forward, relationships, taking risks, the fear that binds us, the next step | Tags: , | 4 Comments

The Business of Writing

0pen

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So often writers complain about lack of inspiration or writer’s block. It’s not that these aren’t issues for us, but I see a larger problem behind the complaints. The best way to illustrate exactly what I mean would be to chronicle my journey as a writer.

When I first started writing, I waited for that lightning strike of inspiration to begin a post or story. Convinced that writing was a matter of feeling the words, I would go for days or weeks without putting pen to page, and then emotionally vomit out words. The posts were fair and well-received, but in all honesty they weren’t anything earth shattering. Sure, I had my own style—slightly clunky at times—and form. Again nothing any other writer couldn’t do.

This process applied to my novel as well. I would wait days, weeks, or sometimes months before I would block out a scene because I thought the universe needed to send me just the right inspiration to write it properly. I’d used everything from the dishes to laundry to my kids as an excuse as to why I wasn’t open to that divine hammer wallop.

The truth? I’d chosen not to do the work, chosen not to put in the long hours required to write properly or continually.

It’s akin to a toddler throwing a tantrum. “I can’t write, I can’t write, I can’t do it! You’re not gonna make me until I’m good and ready.” Yep, that was me inside my head.

*squeezes temples in shame*

After working with some incredible editors and writing coaches, I began to see the cycle clearly—the choice I’d made time and again to not write. Even now I fall back into that pattern for a little bit before I stop, reset, and refocus.

The work of a writer is not in waiting for inspiration or the right mood, it’s a dedication to putting our rears into the chair and blocking or outlining or actually writing. There’s never a lack of stories or subjects, only a lack of commitment to our craft. That may sound harsh, but more often than not I find that it’s true.

Writing is hard work. To do it well, we must continually hone our craft through reading, taking classes, writing, blocking, or working with people who can help us see through our bad habits. It requires the same devotion as any other profession. In order for us to continue to grow we must make the choice to work hard and work often. That’s the cold, hard, in our face truth.

Having said all of that, I do believe that taking a break from a WIP—consciously putting it aside for several months—can give us a new perspective. Time is good for that, but it doesn’t mean that we walk away from writing altogether. There are still other stories, posts, or craft-based books for us to seek out. Again, we must choose to evolve or find something else that better suits our personalities and passions. But even then, we’ll still need to put in the effort to make that new passion a success.

So, I guess this post is a call to action, a call to my fellow writers to make the choice to write instead of excuses as to why it’s not happening. I know it’s in you, I’ve seen the incredible universes inside your head. Make the choice to live out your passion whether or not you know exactly where it’s going or how to get there. All journeys start somewhere and it’s the steps in-between that make every moment worth it.

*Heart Hugs*

Categories: Choice, Craft, Inspiration, journey, writing, Writing Process | Tags: , , | 12 Comments

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