Most days I’m content with the way the wind blows and the sporadic rainfalls of late summer are just enough to clear my head. But the last few months have driven me far from that peace. The simple pleasures of the now are no longer within my grasp. And the frustration is starting to wear on me.

This pathological search mode isn’t part of my baseline. Typically everything has a place and I know where to find it when the need arises, but lately I feel a push I can’t quite quantify. It feels as if I’m being pushed to find the answer to a question I don’t even know. Maybe that’s wrong, because if you broke it down, I think you’d find that something is missing. A part of me that I never noticed before seems empty.

I spent many nights blaming it on the addictions, the lack of contact, writing too much or too little, and those everyday stressors we encounter. The truth is something in me just isn’t there. So my entire being is grasping at straws hoping to catch the right one. The exhaustion of continually pulling back the wrong straw has led me here; back to the page, because if I write it out maybe sense will follow.

I have my doubts, but then that shouldn’t surprise you. I talked about taking risks in my last post. The biggest of which, for me, is believing in myself. Maybe that’s the answer…maybe not. And in those words I reveal something about myself, I think. I am, at the core, a person who needs to find the answers in order to find peace. But how is that possible when the question is obscured?

You may or may not read this. You may or may not care, but then it’s not your job. In the end, I guess it’s just another leg of the journey. Without growth we stagnant and I can think of no greater crime than to sit in one place and never take the next step. So, though I don’t know the question…or answer, I’ll continue to search. Until I find the question, until I know the answers, until the universe shifts again, until exhaustion takes me and I can no longer continue.

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“There’s just too many words we’re never meant to learn…”

Categories: answers, belief, contentment, Drive by life, life, love, messages, patience, questions, relationships, searching, self reflection, taking risks, the next step | Tags: | 6 Comments

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6 thoughts on “Contentment

  1. Your words are not alone…some of us need to go deep to find what is missing…seems funny …most times we find out we need to love ourselves more ….to merely fall deep in love with who you are. After watching your tweets for a long time..I think You are a very caring person ..who is well grounded and have your moments give a lot others .. predictably..they don’t give it back…most of the time. And that struggle makes us weak when we care and others don’t..Save yourself for us who do care..and be you (no matter how long it takes to find the whole story). I, for one, am proud to call you friend..

    • Yes, sweetie, I do give a lot of myself away. Sometimes I need to jump back and pick up what’s left to start again. It’s a process of growth and pruning, but it’s also very much who I am. I spent a long time measuring every bit of affection and support sent out to the world. I was never putting myself into anything completely. At this point in my life I’ve learned to give it my all and see where the road leads. Sure, I get lost from time to time, but that’s when I find the little hidden treasures no one else sees. Life is meant to be lived fully, with all your heart, and I won’t let the fear of losing myself hold me back from living it.

      Thank you for being me friend. ~smile~ *Heart Hugs*

  2. FBK

    Are our digital friends and twitter followers our real friends? Does the number of twitter followers hold any significance in real life? Why doesn’t it help when one is down? Why do we have to smile when we feel like shouting? Why is life unfair to some? Is this the way life’s supposed to be ? Why is it different from what we had envisaged? Why is it almost impossible to find a like minded person? If we find them, what’s the chance we’ll stay with them forever? Not very bright, eh..Do we really deserve whatever share of success that we have?

    Just something to keep the mind busy and get to know the questions before the answers.

    • I guess it all depends on what your definition of friendship is. To me, a connection based on support and mutual interests is enough. The problem I find is we can get too caught in the “at a fingertip” access of the digital world. If it never moves beyond a few messages now and again the friendship/relationship will stagnate. We all have different ways of communicating, some more comfortable than others, but if you care for someone you work on balance.

      Thank you for your insights, sweetie. xo

  3. I hope exhaustion doesn’t take you. You are gifted and it’d be a shame to let your talent get lost because of some obscure question. Sometimes we think answers are elusive when in actuality, they’re dangling within our reach. May the light shine upon you.

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