You think everything is finally falling into place, but that’s when the universe hits you. Wham! It slams upside your head little that dodge ball in fourth grade you didn’t see coming. While you’re on the ground trying to remember what day it is, you hear everyone laughing. Or maybe it’s just the universe mocking you. Either way, you know everything is about to change. At least, I did.
The one thing that makes me so strong is also my greatest weakness. It’s funny to think of your heart as the one force strong enough to bring you down. In my case, it’s true.
I give love unconditionally. Now this is great in theory, but it comes with a heavy price. You see, when you love someone without any expectations they typically do the least amount of work possible to keep you. Now, it’s not like they go out of their way to do less, but the flow begins heavy, and then slowly trickles to “I need you now” moments. The little things in the beginning you loved so much disappear as the newness wears. You’re left wondering what you did to make them back away, but the truth is the one thing that made you irresistible will eventually become too much.
I’m not saying I’m easy to love. Let’s face it, with universes living quite actively in my head, the case for sanity would definitely be lost. Then add the other personality quirks:
1) As much as I want to be with someone, I also desperately crave time alone in my emotional cave.
2) I give most all of myself, but there’s a part I always hold back.
3) Even if I love you that doesn’t mean I trust you’ll never break my heart. In fact, I’m counting the days until it happens.
4) I make plans, but change them when my mood shifts.
5) I’m spontaneous, but only when it comes to certain things.
6) I’ll do most anything for pretty much anyone, but when I reach my limit I’ll stop without warning.
7) If you tell me to do something, I won’t; even if it’s the right course of action.
8) I’m open to a fault, but don’t think that means I really tell you everything. Sometimes you have to ask, and even then I might not tell you.
9) I live completely and totally by my heart, but my perspective remains grounded.
10) I will love you until I don’t, and then I’ll walk away without a word.
These are extremes which can be difficult for the average person to deal with. Not to mention the questionable sanity thing.
I guess this is all leading up to the things I don’t really want to say. But when has that stopped me?
If you’re going to love me, then get off your ass and do it. Love me like I’m the first and last thing you think about. Back away from the “I’m just broken excuse” right now. Let me clue you in on a little secret…We Are All Broken. Call me, even when you’re not in the mood, cause I’m that important damn it. Don’t make me the backseat driver in our relationship. I’m not your fix all handy woman. You have a problem, yeah sure, tell me, but don’t barely talk to me for days or weeks cause you need to find yourself, and then pop back up when you need something.
I’m not apologizing for who I am or who I’m not. I’m not sitting quietly in the background waiting for my turn. I’m much more importanter and if you can’t see that, then there’s the door.