Monthly Archives: September 2011

Taken to Wing

 

 

When the world finds me

I will be in darkness

search through despair

needle thin and blade edge sharp

with a care reserved for the most sacred

 

And when at last you stumble across

the tattered and broken remains of what was

do not mourn the sight

your eyes might betray you

for it is no longer me

 

The me you once knew

swing bound and loose with carefree thought

has taken to wing

an ethereal flight, ancient and chaste,

down the clandestine course

to destinations not yet conceived

by the minds of men

 

~   ~

~   ~   ~

“I want a hand to help build up some kind of hope inside of me…”

Categories: belief, certainty, choosing faith, deliverance, Drive by life, freedom, lettng go, messages, unconditional love | Tags: | 3 Comments

The Flood

 

If there is light I cannot see it.

If there is hope I cannot find it.

If there is purpose I do not know it.

If there is faith I no longer have it.

And if this is life I no longer covet it.

 

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~   ~   ~

Categories: Drive by life, memories, messages, pain, purpose | 1 Comment

Day 3: Letting Go

It’s no secret I get lost in things from time to time. I have a tendency to throw all of me into whatever I’m doing…until I don’t. The last few months I’ve thrown all of me into you. I have no regrets on that count, because you needed someone and I did too. But I think we’re both past that now.

It’s always amuses me to see the lines people pull out of posts. I wonder if they see the ones that resonate with me. Not that it matters, because I don’t really write them for me anymore. I know one thing for sure and I’ve repeated it again and again to see how it sounds. I do that you know…say things out loud to see how they fit. It’s the reason I’ll read my posts over and over. When I hear them out loud I know what is personal truth and what was written from everyone else.

Anyway, I guess this leading somewhere. I’ve said goodbye and your name countless times, but it never seem to fit. It still doesn’t. Here’s the thing though, you pulled out That line. The one line that didn’t really fit in the post. The funny thing is as soon as I saw it, four little words that finally did fit popped into my head.

Time to let go.

What do they say about letting things go? If it comes back to you it’s meant to be? I don’t know if you will, but I can’t worry about that anymore. Cause it’s holding me back…and, in a way, you too. So this is Me letting You go.

A few things for us ❤

~   ~   ~   ~   ~

 

Balance regained

And what you lost

On the curves won’t be noticed

Not by your eyes anyway

 

Swing round that bend once more

Search through every door

For that thing you left behind

Cause time, won’t wait for you to move

 

Some connections bend

While others break

And for the sake, of argument

Let’s say this one just frayed

 

And what you lost

While spinning those curves

Can’t be felt, at least

not by your heart anyway

 

So stay a while longer

And when you’re stronger

I’ll watch you walk away

Cause this one has frayed

past the point of reconstruction

 

~   ~   ~   ~   ~

I’m holding you back.

no, wait, You’re holding me back.

or are we just holding each other back?

doesn’t really matter anyway

cause we’re back to where we started.

walls up, hearts down, wait,

hear that sound or

was it just the silence again?

 

I’ll pack my boxes,

you grab yours

the memories should be enough

to hold us back a little more.

 

If the stars line up right

maybe you’ll catch me on tour

cause one thing not written

in all those bright lights

is where we go from here.

and here is so far from

where we started

 

So, I’ll pack my boxes,

you grab yours

the memories should be enough

to hold us back a little more.

 

And if one day the loneliness

screams inside your mind

rip a box open

you’ll be fine

cause I was holding you back

and You were holding me back

and now we’re back

to where we started

 

Walls up, hearts down

with memories in boxes

we can move around

~   ~   ~   ~   ~

“Go to him, stay with him if you can but…….”

~   ~   ~   ~   ~

 

 

 

Categories: choosing faith, Drive by life, heart, joni mitchell, lettng go, life, love, messages, moving forward, purpose, relationships, taking risks, True love | Tags: | Leave a comment

Day 2: Back to You

Today the wind was just strong enough to knock some dust off the cover. The title engraved on the front in filigree and gold made me step back. I felt my chest pull in jagged, staggered breaths as my fingertips traced the words. You’d think, given the size of the book, the title might be deep and descriptive; something to entice the mind enough to pick it up, but the imageless cover held three simple words.

It took me a moment to slow the gyrations long enough to let them sink in. You can find the most profound wisdom in simplicity. Something I used to know, but lost somewhere in the trees, in the river, in short days and long nights…in him. I guess love can make you lose a lot of things. It’s crafty and clever, wrapping you in comfort until you’re slowly drowning in it.

I sighed, brushing more dust off the edge of the cover. The dips and grooves on the front told a story of their own. Like the face of a full moon, you could see the pitted scars of all the impacts centuries old. Though I’m sure the book has only been around for a few decades, it bears the weight of struggles so ancient even time cannot remember. Still, I felt its pain with every breath.

My lips mouthed the words, though no sound came out. If I forced them out one at a time, maybe I could grab them from the air before the wind whisked the words away. A simple plan I admit, but remember the wisdom in simplicity? One letter dripped from my lips, followed by a second, then third and forth.

~

B-a-ck.

~

The first word released from its covered prison, I grabbed it to tuck gently in my heart. Now for the second, I whispered.

~

T-o.

~

The euphoria of my success, twice proven, made the third word pour out so fast I almost missed it. My fingers fumble to catch each letter before it hit the ground. I’m sure anyone passing by would think me insane, but they wouldn’t be the first. I took the three little letters tucking them into my heart next to the others.

~

Y-o-u.

~

You may not be able to see the stunning revelation in those three tiny words, but then this book holds a story meant for one. Out there, waiting patiently, covered in dust is another book. A story you’ll know well when you see it. Each pit and groove will be as familiar as the back of your hand. Printed on the front, in filigree and gold, will be a simple title with meaning only you’ll truly understand. My only advice, have the courage to read it when the wind knocks just enough dust off to clear the words.

~   ~

~   ~   ~

“I’m too old to go chasing you around…”

Categories: Drive by life, freedom, heart, love, memories, messages, moving forward, pain, purpose, relationships | Tags: | 1 Comment

Day 1: Seasons

(Source: Roxymusic)

 

We often miss the little things the universe is trying to tell us. It’s not that we don’t want to listen, but I think we clutter our everyday until we simply can’t hear. For most people, spring is the time to clean, prune, and take stock. But, for me, it’s a time to let nature take over. Let the new growth cover all the scars of winter.

Instead I turn to the fall, when the leaves begin to drop and flowers fade. It’s easier for me to see what’s missing when the branches begin to bare. The stunning contrast of what once was and what is now is enough to kick my butt into full on clean mode. I sit back in my chair and map out which branches to cut. Of course, this is where you have to plan each step with care. If you cut the wrong one the tree might be lopsided or you’ll end up with a hole right through the center.

My first instinct is to cut the whole damn thing down. I can always plant another one…right? The downside is you have to go back through the nurturing and growing phase which doesn’t bother me, because that happens to be at the core of my skill set. I’m good at helping things grow into maturity. The problem becomes, once grown, I’m looking for something new to nurture; sometimes forgetting that nothing ever reaches true maturity until winter arrives to take it back.

I guess the point is I’m learning in the fall of my years that cutting everything down and starting new isn’t the answer. If I step back and prune a little here and there when spring returns the new growth will make each branch stronger. Life is a process of death and rebirth, a transition from the newness of spring to the youthful frolic of summer to the changing colors of fall to the decay of winter. I once heard someone say “Unto every season a purpose is given.”
My purpose this fall is to learn a new skill; to carefully prune what isn’t working so as the seasons change my tree grows back balanced, beautiful, and stronger.

 

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~   ~   ~

“A time to keep, a time to cast away…”

Categories: answers, belief, Drive by life, life, messages, moving forward, patience, purpose, seasons | Tags: | Leave a comment

Contentment

Most days I’m content with the way the wind blows and the sporadic rainfalls of late summer are just enough to clear my head. But the last few months have driven me far from that peace. The simple pleasures of the now are no longer within my grasp. And the frustration is starting to wear on me.

This pathological search mode isn’t part of my baseline. Typically everything has a place and I know where to find it when the need arises, but lately I feel a push I can’t quite quantify. It feels as if I’m being pushed to find the answer to a question I don’t even know. Maybe that’s wrong, because if you broke it down, I think you’d find that something is missing. A part of me that I never noticed before seems empty.

I spent many nights blaming it on the addictions, the lack of contact, writing too much or too little, and those everyday stressors we encounter. The truth is something in me just isn’t there. So my entire being is grasping at straws hoping to catch the right one. The exhaustion of continually pulling back the wrong straw has led me here; back to the page, because if I write it out maybe sense will follow.

I have my doubts, but then that shouldn’t surprise you. I talked about taking risks in my last post. The biggest of which, for me, is believing in myself. Maybe that’s the answer…maybe not. And in those words I reveal something about myself, I think. I am, at the core, a person who needs to find the answers in order to find peace. But how is that possible when the question is obscured?

You may or may not read this. You may or may not care, but then it’s not your job. In the end, I guess it’s just another leg of the journey. Without growth we stagnant and I can think of no greater crime than to sit in one place and never take the next step. So, though I don’t know the question…or answer, I’ll continue to search. Until I find the question, until I know the answers, until the universe shifts again, until exhaustion takes me and I can no longer continue.

~   ~

~   ~   ~

“There’s just too many words we’re never meant to learn…”

Categories: answers, belief, contentment, Drive by life, life, love, messages, patience, questions, relationships, searching, self reflection, taking risks, the next step | Tags: | 6 Comments

Taking Risks

“Only those who will risk

going too far

Can possibly find out

how far one can go”

T.S. Eliot

 

Think back to the biggest risk you’ve ever taken. Did it involve love or money or children? Was it taking that new job cross country in a place you’ve never been? Did everyone support you or just a loyal few?

I thought the risks I’d taken in my life were epic. To most people they are, but the biggest risk I’ve ever faced is still something I struggle with today.

 

Belief.

 

This isn’t a spiritual matter; though many might point skyward for the strength to confront it. No, I’m talking about belief…in yourself.

We typically grow up hearing one of two things: 1) You’re going to take over the world one day…or 2) You’re nothing special get back in line.

I grew up hearing both. Imagine the confusion of a young introverted girl with little self-confidence who wasn’t particularly attractive, and then add to it the mixed messages of being great while being nothing at all. It’s a wonder I’ve made it this far, if I’m being honest. I spent the last 38 years digging through the muddle of mixed messages constantly bombarding my brain. A battle I’m still fighting as I type.

You can tell me it’s great, I’ll say it’s okay. You can tell me it’s brilliant, I’ll search for the flaws you missed. You can tell me it’s the best thing you’ve ever read, I’ll know you’re just being nice. Do you see the holes I dig? I’d say it’s not intentional, but that’s a bold face lie. It’s far easier to sabotage yourself than actually
believe.

Believe you’re a good person, believe you deserve to be special, believe you have value, and believe you have talent.

So I carry a coin in the pocket of my bag to remind me of the one risk I’ve yet to take. It’s weighted with enough will power to keep me going, but not so much to pin me in the holes. If one day I should catch up to the belief so many others have in me you’ll know. Because no star will shine brighter, no sunset will be more brilliant, no voice will sing as sweet as the words that will pour from my fingers.

Categories: belief, choosing faith, Drive by life, heart, life, memories, messages, moving forward, T.S. Eliot, taking risks, unconditional love | Tags: | 7 Comments

There’s the Door

You think everything is finally falling into place, but that’s when the universe hits you. Wham! It slams upside your head little that dodge ball in fourth grade you didn’t see coming. While you’re on the ground trying to remember what day it is, you hear everyone laughing. Or maybe it’s just the universe mocking you. Either way, you know everything is about to change. At least, I did.

The one thing that makes me so strong is also my greatest weakness. It’s funny to think of your heart as the one force strong enough to bring you down. In my case, it’s true.

I give love unconditionally. Now this is great in theory, but it comes with a heavy price. You see, when you love someone without any expectations they typically do the least amount of work possible to keep you. Now, it’s not like they go out of their way to do less, but the flow begins heavy, and then slowly trickles to “I need you now” moments. The little things in the beginning you loved so much disappear as the newness wears. You’re left wondering what you did to make them back away, but the truth is the one thing that made you irresistible will eventually become too much.

I’m not saying I’m easy to love. Let’s face it, with universes living quite actively in my head, the case for sanity would definitely be lost. Then add the other personality quirks:

1)    As much as I want to be with someone, I also desperately crave time alone in my emotional cave.

2)    I give most all of myself, but there’s a part I always hold back.

3)    Even if I love you that doesn’t mean I trust you’ll never break my heart. In fact, I’m counting the days until it happens.

4)    I make plans, but change them when my mood shifts.

5)    I’m spontaneous, but only when it comes to certain things.

6)    I’ll do most anything for pretty much anyone, but when I reach my limit I’ll stop without warning.

7)    If you tell me to do something, I won’t; even if it’s the right course of action.

8)    I’m open to a fault, but don’t think that means I really tell you everything. Sometimes you have to ask, and even then I might not tell you.

9)    I live completely and totally by my heart, but my perspective remains grounded.

10)  I will love you until I don’t, and then I’ll walk away without a word.

These are extremes which can be difficult for the average person to deal with. Not to mention the questionable sanity thing.

I guess this is all leading up to the things I don’t really want to say. But when has that stopped me?

If you’re going to love me, then get off your ass and do it. Love me like I’m the first and last thing you think about. Back away from the “I’m just broken excuse” right now. Let me clue you in on a little secret…We Are All Broken. Call me, even when you’re not in the mood, cause I’m that important damn it. Don’t make me the backseat driver in our relationship. I’m not your fix all handy woman. You have a problem, yeah sure, tell me, but don’t barely talk to me for days or weeks cause you need to find yourself, and then pop back up when you need something.

I’m not apologizing for who I am or who I’m not. I’m not sitting quietly in the background waiting for my turn. I’m much more importanter and if you can’t see that, then there’s the door.

Categories: Drive by life, get over yourself, heart, Life posts, love, messages, moving forward, relationships, secrets, soul mates, unconditional love | Tags: | 2 Comments

Soulmates

They say there’s a point, so I listen.
They say it exists, so I wait.
They say something’s coming, so I hope.

But in the…
listening
and waiting
and hoping

I become lost to the schemes
they’re selling
a shell game wish
the bliss, so far removed
still laughing  because I must
though trust, is a card shift away

On the corner, they’re yelling
still shelling out rage
While the sage, stand close by
I would take their silence
as deliverance
even when relevance

becomes irreverent
if just to soothe, my weary mind.

Categories: deliverance, Drive by life, heart, love, messages, relationships, relevance, shell games, soul mates | Tags: | 2 Comments

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