* * * * *
Sometimes you don’t realize you’re drowning until you wake up in the middle of high tide. The castle you spent hours building is a lump of wet sand and all the shovels have washed away. It’s no use starting again because no matter how far up the beach you go the water will follow. Some things can’t be dismissed with a blink. They’re like little flies at a picnic, always finding a way under the glass.
I used to have faith in the universe, so sure it would lead me to the perfect place, but I think I get it now. Sure, it lends a hand when you’re really lost; if you’re looking hard enough, but it’s not going to do the work. No, that’s up to you. You have to pull your ass out of bed, hop in the shower, and sit down. It doesn’t matter if all you’re putting out is gibberish. The point is you keep moving forward, one word at a time.
If I wasn’t such a damn perfectionist I might have figured it out sooner. That’s not really true, I knew it all along. It’s just I’m a master saboteur. If there’s a way to screw up the momentum I’ll find it, no matter the lengths I have to travel. I’m skilled at make believe (hell, that’s why I became a writer) and I have perfected one talent to the extreme: Self-deception; closely followed by excuse making.
It’s funny how you can be so open with other people, but never truly honest with yourself. So, for better or worse, this is me being honest with myself.
I’m brilliantly skilled at throwing myself into something to the point of exhaustion, only to walk away when the work becomes work. I always have something to write, I’m just good at avoiding the effort it takes to produce anything. I can destroy my dreams in an instant, without a word or thought, and I often do. I’ll walk away from you telling myself it’s the best thing for you, but it’s really for me. I’m flighty and often more insecure than I admit, because I don’t want to seem weak. I often get so caught up in the moment I forget about the things and people I care about.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~
That’s me in a nutshell. Love me, hate me, judge me…I’m past all that now. Now I move forward or, more accurately, stumble forward. Join me or don’t, in either case I have one message for you…
* * * * *
“If you’re faced with a choice…”