Monthly Archives: February 2011

That Moment

It’s that moment when your soul screams the words your heart is unwilling to hear. They fall short of pouring from your fingertips, because fear has ties that bind too deep to break.

I wasn’t listening to ocean yesterday. If I had perhaps the lull of blue-gray waves would have meant something to me. The way the sky began to crack from the weight of clouds full of sentiment my heart did not care to accept. Each crash tossed another sampling of broken lives upon the sands. It sat stained with the fragments of memories from centuries of shattered dreams.

No, I did not listen to those stories. Though the shimmer of what was caught my eye; a repetitive theme I’m ashamed to admit I missed. There was something about the air that was a bit too chilled and something about the manner that was a bit removed. I’m afraid you had to be there to truly understand, but then maybe the imagery will stick making my meaning clear.

On first consideration, you may miss it, but I didn’t. It’s always what isn’t there…the ghost of ships haunted my mind even as the choppy waters held them in port. A piece of the puzzle often sitting in thought, realized only when you search the waves. Sometimes I fail to see what’s right in front of me. My mind drags when revelation is near and the edges are rusty, partially from underuse.

This life lies shattered with the shells. Colorful pieces of brick-a-brack left on the shores to amuse the tourists. Three parts rolling as the waves crash relentlessly against the world-worn edges. Though the sand fills the cracks, the disconnect is obvious and wearing.

With time, there may be nothing left but the pretty images painstakingly laid out on pages no one cares to read, because they are just pieces; fragments of a story caught in the surf, rolling in the waves, worn at the edges…who really wants to take home the pieces?

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Jaded Moonlit Glow

In her universe,
thoughts stalk liquid eyes;
a ballet, fluidly crossing
between the actualized and conceived.
Nothing truly materialized,
always on the brink
she reaches for a hand
removed from feeling.

Laughter falls softly on her lips,
compliments softer still;
in the essence of what is,
there is only a beating,
unified with the words;
Images of what should be, but isn’t,
capture her waking dreams,
visions slanted by hopes unrealized.

There are few words of solace
found on these lips;
compassion detached at the heart
long before the conversation began.
It thrashes against stone;
searching for a kinder used
vessel to create a home.

Still, I listen,
forcing a smile.
Hoping, the jaded cast is muted
by the gentle glow of moonlight.
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Clicking across the rails,
it sooths the senses.
Haunting whistles
serve as a reminder;
the sacrifice of flesh
still fresh, after so many years.

These centered moments;
mirrored in walls that crumble.
falling to forces outside our grasp
While echoes float in shimmers,
a connection to events
since removed from context;
carrying a sting that ripples.

Here, in the moonlight,
thoughts wander,
conjuring images of life;
stories set to emotions that linger.
As he whispers in my ear,
my heart stops, waiting for the push.

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A Subtle Mix

It will wear at the edges, a fray of thoughts the mind pulls at to unravel the mystery. Taking a moment to look around you’ll search for what’s nagging….did I remember to lock the car? Did I forget my bag?

A subtle mix of fear and loneliness begins to descend as you continue to float from room to room. All the while, the answer sits just behind the one door that remains closed. The one that stays out of view, stalking the corner of your eye.

* * *

The ticking echoes to a boom
in a maddening silence
stalking the mind

A master of souls, his messenger
comes with the beating
caught by a notion that’s fleeting

He knew when the ink
was set to page
the words would haunt

The scent of such truths
invades the senses
Ferreting thoughts cast in shadow
a welcome revelation

Yet still, I find,
there are times
when the mind reaches
for the comfort of ignorance

* * *

“This isn’t goodbye, not really.”

“Think of the all time we’ll have to write. All the experiences we can write about.”

Lost in the words that placate lies the truth. Or the lies we mask as truths to hide the feelings our hearts are unable to face.

“I miss you already.” Sighs in vein leaving my lips with each kiss goodbye…little more than desperate cries of the heart. Do you welcome such honesty?

* * *

The claim of perfection doesn’t sit on this page. You will not find Shakespeare near. Sweet nothings fall short when expressions of a soulful love are actualized and there is always room for growth.

“Our energies continue to build on one another…I don’t see that ending soon.”

Is that a truth to hold tight or another way to placate?

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A Settled Reality

Time dragged me through the reality of thoughts I avoided until this morning. Hitting like a rouge wave pushing me deeper into the surf. Struggling for a hold and air, I turned to look at him…a mistake, I freely admit, because the very sight steals my breath, turning the world.

It took all my strength to pull back the tears he saw precariously perched behind these saddened blue-green eyes. Why I attempted to hide anything is beyond comprehension, the truth is he always knows no matter how deep I bury my thoughts…so I sit waiting for time to betray me once more.

Captured in a fickle sense of fear, my heart tosses between the urge to run and the unending, all-consuming need to be in his presence. But even I can’t keep out reality forever. The question lingers, heavy on the tip of my tongue. I choke it back, so as not to ruin the moments, but it sticks in my throat. A whisper of thoughts, I try to clear.

What are we to become?

He’ll never let me in completely…into his life. The price paid really isn’t worth what he receives from me. In the end, he lives alone. Besides, love can’t overcome all fears and sometimes it isn’t enough. Feel the sorrow of those statements? Did the wave hit you too?

I live in stolen moments…for the sake of love. No, that’s wrong…for the sake of selfishness, because I can’t let him go. So I settle into a heavy heart with the knowledge he will never truly be mine.

~The Sky Tumbles~

Sitting in silence
letting time drag me
through the reality of thoughts
I tried so desperately to avoid

Watching moments
pool at my feet
to mix with the sorrow
of a loss yet to settle
into reality

Constructs of images
falling empty into the spaces
between the words
we so carefully avoid

While the sky tumbles
with the weight of stars
burdened with the truth
of the nothing
we are to become

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The Language of Us

* * * * *

                It’s a perplexing set of circumstances leading me to this post.  I’ve spent many nights sitting with pen and paper attempting to describe this feeling…the emotions that have turned my world right side up.  To say I’m in love seems to leave out all the subtle layers of detail that make this love so unique.  Though I wrote a tweet poem or two the words are always just out of reach…until last night. 
It was a revelation, of sorts, that tipped my mind just enough for me to understand the undeniable truth of who we are…together.  This love isn’t meant for the books….it’s not one for epic poetry that will transcend all barriers bringing lovers across the universe together.  No it is soft, gentle, soulful, connected on a level I was –until this moment—unable to quantify, because it’s not meant for words…this love is meant to be lived; fully completely, without reservation, hesitation, or requirement.
            Having said all that, I do think it requires some type of documentation, because this is more than just a passing fancy, a whim of the heart.  So here is where I begin:
The Language of Us
He sees me;
the Me hidden in words,
trapped in universes,
endlessly swimming
in a perpetually moving mind.
Soothing tones calm the spin;
a rhythm of thought ,
set to the tempo
of gentle urgings
and heartfelt sighs.
In the silence,
 soulful whispers finding union;
stringing our beings
beyond requirement for conversation;
a language of gestures and sound.
Connection of souls,
sent down through the ages;
a wave of knowing,
captured in feeling,
a love that’s meant to be lived.
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Possibility of Angels

I woke to the possibility of angels,
neatly lined on my duvet.
The glow of laughter still present,
on petaled pink lips, as they pray.
A sight, these angels three;
Come down from the heavens
to sing to me,
of tales I’ve yet to sew,
places my mind has yet to go.
Fertile I sat, patiently waiting,
eager to hear it unfold;
spinning the threads , hung in my head,
looking for me to take hold.
“Within you lies a universe
of tales the world must know.
Take to pen, find the page,
it’s time for us to go.”
“But wait,” I cried as uncertainty
took me by the hand.
“I haven’t the words to write
such tales, you understand.
You’ll find my poetry soft, the prose lacking,
the language far too off.
My rhythm falters, the rhyme has left me,
And I’m afraid my courage is lost.”
Her smile was so much softer than
the cooing of a dove;
She took my hand and led me here,
giving a gentle shove.
Through the window I tumbled,
waiting to hit the ground;
Listening for my breaking bones,
but nothing made a sound.
Eternity stretched before my eyes,
the crystal path now clear.
It washed away insecurity’s grasp,
so, too, it took my fear.
I saw the vision in the angel’s call,
the tales I’ve yet to tell;
adventures of my many lives,
and handled it quite well.
You see, there was no beginning
Or end, I simply had to start;
allow the words forming in my mind
to fall upon my heart.
Now I write this tale for you,
the night the angels called;
letting the words float through the air,
watching where they fall.
If you hear them singing now,
don’t waste time, take to pen and write;
it’s through the stories yet to tell,
you’ll see your soul take flight.
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Melted Psyche

Subtle ways
A delicate trance
of words and passion
Fixated in the mind
push towards growth
to peer inside
at thoughts caught
on insecurity and fear
necessitating the urging
Hesitation still sits
on the hem
Waiting for strings to fray
Releasing the drops
from a psyche melted
by the pain of time and being
Lessons learned
memories and voices
Lived without choices
Held back by walls
Constructs of the mind
Unknown to the unconditional
Backed by the irrational
holding me up sometimes
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A Heart Removed & Faded Cast

The emptiness consuming my eyes should be the first sign.  But then it’s likely you never truly spend time looking into them.  Missing the first, you could go on to see the casually indifferent way I nod when you speak.  Yet still I find the clues too subtle, for these are the same messages sent over years of conversations that contain one subject…you.
I pat you on the back, nod, or smile and hope that the poison dripping from your lips hasn’t infected my soul, but the knowing gets the better of me.  It was infected so very long ago by hearts far more indifferent to the reality of me than you.   No your dipped darts haven’t the virility to take me down though I must acknowledge a fervent attempt.  Few have been so passionate in their pursuit of my attentions, in truth I wish you weren’t. 
The affections you seek are far removed from this heart; if they ever truly existed, but even with that fact aside, they are not present now.  If it is pain you desire there are those far better equipped to provide for you.
This heart does not live in that chaos.  My mind prefers silence to the constant search for revelation.  These paths we follow do not cross. Our maps are separate; topography unique to our own journeyed lands. 
Should you find someone, anyone along your road, take hold by heart and walk together, but know that it is not me.  Gaze into her eyes, note the smile ~the perfections of imperfections making her soul unique to yours~ and then cherish the fortune.  In the knowing, your soul will find peace, but the choice is yours to make. 
Open yourself to the truth of it so that revelation has a road to follow.  Enlightenment simply needs consent to fall upon your soul.  When it’s time, when you are ready, the reality of the nothing that we were will wash over you softly and you will find comfort in the knowing.  There isn’t a we or us…there never was…only you and me, but then that is precisely how it should be.
~Faded Cast~
Staggering ignorance
Set to course
A beating that’s off
to a rhythm that’s faltered
Evidenced in a cringe
not seen by your eyes
The same that peer
at me in surprise
Faded cast of glowing embers
Loss of warmth
Loveless splendors
Held outside an empty heart
Knowing hidden
from the start
Even if these words were true
The meaning would be lost
to you
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