Monthly Archives: December 2010

On the Edge of Sanity

Light fading

Falling into darkness

My mind is lost

to the gravity

Of insanity

It stalks just on the edge of sanity. Like the ever setting

sun sitting on a milky horizon coming as a brilliant flash of light

while the sun is pulled into the outer corners of the universe.

That’s where my mind balances, on the edge of the universe

between reality and fantasy. A darkened gravity has taken hold of

my mind. I feel the pull, and though I know the call, my soul is afraid

to fall.

The path is familiar to me. It leads to a place littered with

the broken dreams of sanity. All who travel into those depths rarely

return completely intact. With every passing year, I’m more convinced

that insanity will take me. How long can I live in the fantasies dancing

in my mind before they consume my soul?

On the edge of my mind

the aroma of sanity

Assaults the senses

Leaving behind

the bitter taste

of reality

I see the line, know it well, but there are times when I much

prefer to live in those fantasies. The draw becomes greatest when I am

faced with turmoil of the heart. How easy it would be to let myself

tumble into the lost realities found in my fantasy worlds.

They say it’s imagination, but I know better. The dreams are

far too real. The taste of them lingers in my mind; so flavorful are these

imaginings that I often become lost.

I reach out for the real world…for something to anchor me

to reality. When those precious few reasons are gone, what will keep

me in your world?

A broken smile

touches your lips

never reaching

The cold light fading

in unforgiving eyes

Ahhh…I see the look in your eyes; the fear behind your smile.

Though you won’t admit to the thought, it’s there dancing in the back

of your mind. You know the truth, but fear it as much as I.

Do you see the sanity slipping? Is my mask beginning to fall?

Turn now before I lose myself completely. Do not travel down this path.

I could not bear to watch you fall. Better that I should lose myself to

insanity alone than carry the eternal pain of bringing you with me.

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Wild Imaginings

It courses through my soul
A pounding rhythm beating
To the melody
of this hummingbird heart
It’s a sound of you
Stolen to thought
Trapped in perceptions
I cannot release
Ever present I fight the urge
But still I run into the vision
flames dancing on the sands
Unquenchable all consuming
Though it burns my fingertips
I reach out to hold you
Because I crave the fire
of your wild imagings
They blaze through my mind
Blinding me with brilliance
A light found hidden
On the edge of insanity
            Please stop by One Stop Poetry to view the the incredibly talented poets posting for One Shot Wednesday http://bit.ly/dUDCS6
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Melting into Silence

It is in the knowing of my heart
the love for self, that I find you
for one cannot love another
without facing the reality of self
Falling into silence may seem like a funny concept, but I find myself doing it far too often lately.  Perhaps melting might be a better word for I melt into the silence between the words each time I hear his voice.  There’s a rhythm we’ve found.  It’s soothing and comfortable following the coming tide.  A tide that flows over my being…is it love?  Possibly…and you may even say that I’m falling, but all I care about are those moments.  The sound of his sigh…a hum on his lips…the way he laughs at all the silly things I do.  He is so very accepting of my wild imaginings.  It may be due to the fact that he lives in such dreams or that he is comfortable living in mine for a time.
In the still, I hear U
a souls whisper
contented silence
washes over my being
I’m left, speechless
no words can give weight
to such feelings
Either way I live for those moments.  The ones we get lost in without thought of time.  Time passes quickly for two beings connected on such a deep level.  I have no idea where this leads.  Though I suspect with my ever cautious heart that it will lead to the one place I fear to fall completely.  It will lead to love….soulful love.  Something that happens between two people who have a knowing of self.  Each has faced the demons of loneliness and feel at peace with the pain found there. 
A journey traveled
through the mountains of sorrow
of falling too fast and landing too hard
dancing between our souls
and the world lived in reality
and the perception of our reality.
            Perception is an important part of any love.  We tend to give ourselves weight based on the view points of others.  If they love us then it follows that we are lovable, but the reality is that our value is not based on outside perception.  We exist on this earth.  That fact alone gives us worth as a human being.  Add to that the talents and love that are ever present within our hearts.  This combined picture may not always be visible to others, but my point is that it doesn’t matter if they see it or not.  A jump in my journey came with the realization that I needed to see my value.  I do not give weight to opinions that go against this core knowledge.  The demons of the past have no hold on me because I refuse to allow them to control my perception of self.  Without control the voices have no power. 
I do not step forward
into the future
that will come in time
instead, I sit
in comfortable silence
listening to your heartbeat
            So where does this leave us?  The simple answer: here.  Does that answer leave you wanting?  There was a time in my life when it would have done the same to me, but I find that the road less scary.  The future will happen with time and I am comfortable with the silence.  Perhaps because I can live in the still by myself now…though it is nice to find a likened soul to share the journey.
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The Universe in a Heart

A Christmas thought on the Heart & Love: 
            The heart is like the universe.  Its expanse so great that it never fills.  You could place the stars, the planets, and the sun within still there is room for more.  The stars are those people who have touched our souls.  Some remain while others pass through our lives, but each has left a stardust trail in our souls.  The planets are people who live in the everyday.  Mothers, fathers, brothers, sisters, and children.  They are large ever present forces revolving with evolving love.  They laugh, cry, and sit with us through every solar storm ripping our universe apart. 
The sun…well, now that’s an important part of our universe.  Though many need a sun to help light the darkest parts of their soul, few have found that ever elusive love.  Make no mistake; the sun isn’t always a boyfriend, girlfriend, lover, wife or husband.  No, the sun is that one person who, even in their worst moments, still has light to share with you.  They can put aside pain and frustration to focus on your universe; to share the light of wisdom and knowledge with you.  We all need a sun.
            So my wish for you is simple: Find peace in your heart, love in the eyes of the planets around you, and hope in the warm touch of sunlight from a soulful sun.
All My Heart….eternally….Ranee

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Enlightenment

My heart falls silent

in the still

the chilled hand of

loneliness

reaches out for my soul

I welcome its touch

for with it comes
enlightenment



People are often afraid to look within and face the loneliness haunting their souls.  I find comfort in the still.  Though, at times, it may consume me, loneliness brings enlightenment.  I am able to see my insecurities clearly laid out.  There was a time in my life when I would have done anything to avoid myself.  I would look for comfort in the arms of another person.  It didn’t matter if there was love…or even lust….that they wanted me for that moment was enough.  Willing I would lay beside them thinking that a warm body would fill the ache, but the truth is that nothing ever made it go away.  Only when I turned to face the loneliness did I start to understand how much I needed it.

I welcome silence
hoping that it will bring peace to my soul
though the voices tell me to run
I hold back
waiting for the light of a new day
That was no mistake.  I said it…I need the loneliness; not only for my writing, but for growth.  I have come to terms with the fact that the only way I can move on emotionally in my life is through the pain.  It is the one time I am vulnerable enough to open myself and face those flaws in my character holding me back.  I’m not perfect.  The flaws may not be evident to you, but I see them all too clearly in the reflecting pool of my soul.  There are times I am insecure, I cling to thoughts and passions until they strike me down.  I search out love, sometimes recklessly without thought for my personal well-being…though I keep the safety of my children in mind always.  I find little beauty in the mirror, even when you tell me it exists.  There are many days I find little beauty in my writing.  These are a drop, a small part of the things that haunt me.  I try my best to push them aside…ignore the voices telling me to run.
I do not seek
completion in your love
that lies within
instead share laughter & happy heart sighs
long nights near the fire
with me at your side
This journey has led me to one of the greatest truths I live by: I don’t need you to complete me.  That may seem harsh, but there is purpose behind the statement.  I am complete in myself.  My happiness comes from the knowledge that I have value.  My talents and love have a place in this world.  That isn’t something you can give me.  It has to be found within.  Instead, share this life with me: the giggles and laughs during late night talks, sitting by the fire in comfortable silence, walking along the beach talking about everything and nothing.  Few things could be simpler, but you have to want that; the simple everyday not so special me.  I can’t force such things upon your heart.  In truth, I don’t want to force you to love me.  If we are meant to be together we will.  Another simple truth I’ve learned about my existence. 
I see words
caught on the page edge
not written, left to thought
sitting with the light
hidden in the depths
of your soul
            Still here?  Ahhh…perhaps there is hope then.  ~smile~ A final note about sharing this journey with me, because in the end I do want to share it.  I listen for words hidden just between the breaks.  Write to me of love and peace and hope…that’s a start.  Open your heart, because there is truly nothing you can say that will make me run.  I listen with an open mind always.  Be with me in silence, in laughter, in tears, in the everyday.  I’m not quite as complicated as I may seem.  I love…openly…I live…fully…I hope…eternally.
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Blindfold On

                I’m worried, because I think there is a part of me that craves loneliness and heartache.  Not that I’m looking for pity or to wallow in sorrow, but pain seems a far richer source of inspiration than passion.  Perhaps that is why I willingly jump into love under the most unlikely circumstances.  It’s not that I want to be in love.  No, I think it is that I want to be in pain.  What better place to find such torment than in a love lost?
I look through the eyes of my heart
hoping to witness a soulful love,
but I’m left wanting.
                I seek the impossible relationships.  Walking into the fire, blindfold on, because I know it’s all consuming.  Eventually the passion burns out, the lust fades, and I am left with the reality of a love lost.  It’s a convenient place to hide.  In my experience, most men’s passion is fleeting.  It tends to be a seasonal love, growing quickly at first slowing as the summer’s sun warms our souls, and then fading when the cold of winter blows down from our hearts.  Though I am left heartbroken, my smile remains because each has left a deposit of inspiration to fuel my pen.
I would find a soul to share this journey,
but I do not wish to burden others with such sorrow.
Better that the walls hide it from the world.
This brings us to a wall. It is probably the biggest I’ve built.  I fall, but there is always a part held back; something hidden in the depths of my soul that never sees the light.  I let them in enough to entice, a lover’s dance, just a touch of mystery before the wall goes up once more.  So very careful not to let love in completely; to risk that type of heartache would be far too great.
Catch these words
dripping from my heart
find a place of light
where they may bloom
into soft petals of love
I suppose this post stands as a warning…or challenge.  In the end, I am working on the walls.  There’s a part of me that desperately wants to get lost in love.  The pain is so sharp it makes my heart weep at the thought.  But then my idealistic youthful passions left long ago.  I know the chance of finding a soulful love, to get lost in the arms of my soul mate, is rare.  So I do not hope to wish for such a thing.  Instead, I hold fast to reality.  Falling in lust and passion, but never truly finding love.
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Featured Poet: The Incredibly Talented Nomar Knight

There are times when words touch us so deeply that we must take to pen and pour our hearts onto the page.  It is my great honor to present three poems written by the incredibly talented Nomar Knight inspired by my Images of a Lonely Heart Cast to Sea post. Nomar pulled out and captured the sorrow of those poems with such beauty that it brought tears to my eyes.  Thank you, Nomar, for sharing your talent with me and the world. 

There was a warning in the fog
I listened, but didn’t understand
The echo of heartache
Visible  amongst the pounding waves
Music to my ears
I stood, waiting in anticipation
For my lovers touch
Praying she’d stay
Not just in heart… in spirit too
Hope blinded me with fogs of mystery
Because, you see, I’m stubborn…always
My heart needs your soft caress
Lovers dance feeding flames
All consuming desire
Awakened from a trance
Realizing I was lost in a dream
Shocking illusion
Lifted as the fog
Scattered, shattering this crystal heart
Words of passion become daggers
To bleeding souls
Slicing bits of my heart
Maddening isolation chips away sanity
Its pain breathes despair
Haunting my waking dreams
Empty promises carried on whim
Tortured hopes killing passion
Yet here I stand
A shadow of yesteryear
On life’s angry shores
Indifferent to strangers
Giving them a taste of invisibility
I gaze at the sea
Its steady rhythm soothes my essence
Stabbing reality deep inside me
The dream built on desperate whispers
In soft pained cries
Collapsing at the touch of another
Embattled at what may come
Even the shining of heavenly lights
Dimmed by liquid skies
Fails to cleanse away
The sins built by stormy seas
Let the siren’s call pull me down
To the darkest abyss
Entrapping me forever
In an icy prison
Where once I had hope
Let it seal, lost to memory
Where passions buried illusion
And the souls ravaged
By the echoes of silent screams.
Somewhere between tied tongue I lost you
Your heart slipped through broken breaths
Like the emotions I meant to convey
Perhaps voiced words are dense
Or the ideas dripped through wounded veins
Either way I see your weak, constipated smile
Empty eyes vacant of love
The sparkle a mere memory
But when I think my senses failing
Illusion masking truth
Feeding me a glimmer of hope
That our soulful love is still strong
It’s not love, no it never was
I knew when the song broke down
Lyrics of plastic love carried no weight
But my heart mourns the loss just the same.
                     Nomar is dedicated to the support of all artistic talent.  This fact is evident in the regular features of writers and artists on his blog.  Please enjoy more of Nomar’s talent at his blog KnightChills http://knightchills.blogspot.com/ .


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Temporary State of Being

~I accept sadness as a temporary state of being.
A cycle of moments we pass through.
It fades as the words hit the page~
A tweet I sent to one of my followers.

                It’s no secret that I’m nursing a broken heart.  Though I can hide behind my smile, when the words hit the page my feelings are all too clear.  It’s always been that way for me.  The page has edges, not walls.  So there’s nothing to stop the words and emotions from spilling over.  But in life, my heart has walls that will not fall. 


~I fall away from truth,
my heart is not predisposed
to handle revelation well,
I hide behind this smile,
watching words shatter,
against the page~


 
I found myself in a reflective state this morning.  Considering my current situation, wondering where this path leads.  There are some days when darkness covers the road.  It’s a mist, hiding the future from my eyes, but then the sun rises and the mist dissipates.  My vision, once clouded, gives way to clear thought.  I understand my place in the world. 
I treasure those moments….and fear them.  My heart is not predisposed to handle revelation well.  The same may be said for others, but I find that the truth hits hard against my soul knocking me to the ground.  With eyes wide open it is difficult to run from the reality of my existence.  I am nice to have, but not to keep.  My passionate words may touch a heart, but the affects soon wear and the passion fades.  Then I am left empty…and alone.  I run to security, falling into the arms of those who promise relief, bringing pain and sadness to both our souls.

~The pain in his eyes steals my breath
A heart breaking from unkind words
I long to hold him
And wash such thoughts away~



The pain in his eyes when I said we were not going to be together was heartbreaking.  I lost someone dear to me…a man I love, because of those walls.  It’s not that he didn’t want to keep me, I just don’t want to be kept.  Therein lies the truth of these walls I hide behind.  I love unconditionally.  I give everything…except myself.  That part of my soul I keep hidden from the world.  Though it pains me to see him walk out of my life, I know that heartbreak is a temporary state.  It fades as time goes by.  Never truly leaving my heart.  There will always be cracks, echoes of our love visible to those willing to take the time to look.  I will live in the sorrow of a broken heart.  Find hope in the light of a new day; because I am tired of running away…from myself. 


   ~Turn from me now
Before I lose my heart
The slightest touch
Will send it falling~


Perhaps the problem is that I lose myself in love far too easily.  I crave sweet passionate words; they bring such energy and creativity to my soul.  Spurred on by the rush of emotion, the words fall easily onto the page.  I think, in truth, that I like being in love.  When passion fades giving way to the everyday I flounder and become bored, because in the stillness of daily life I find little fuel for the fires of creative thought.
~Walk with me
Through the rain
On a moonlit night
Let it cleanse our souls
Of broken dreams
So we may begin anew
In each other’s arms~
Still, to find love would be grand.  I will keep an open heart…try to pull down the walls one at a time.  It’s a slow process and the pace leaves me wanting, but I know in the end the effort is worth it.  All the while, I put myself out to family and friends.  The best way to practice living with an open heart is to find those people willing to love you unconditionally; willing to accept the ups and downs of a heart struggling to find its place in the world.  They sit with you through heartbreak, knowing, too, that it is a temporary state and soon you will find your footing again.  The trouble then becomes finding someone who’s working on his walls as well. 

~My heart waits

For a kindred spirit
Of thought and desire
To transform the light
Flickering within my soul
Into a raging inferno
Of passion~

 
Do you have walls?  Most everyone does whether they see them or not.  The trick is recognizing what’s holding you back so that you can, at the very least, crawl over the walls.  There are scars which never go away.  Sorrow that will live eternally in our hearts, at some point we have to move forward.  And should it be that we are moving in the same direction, all the better.

                The last two poems are tweet poems about the sorrow of loss and living in the words they evoke.

~Fall
From my eyes
Drip down
Into an upturned palm
Settle there
Pooled in sorrow
Until my being
Soaks you in
Once more~


~Stand removed
In silence
Feel the words
Seep into your skin
Rushing through pulsing veins
Until you are lost
In the language
Of sorrow~

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Rendezvous by Sean Vessey – One Shot Wednesday Post

Rollin, in cold light,

Rendezvous with busy Death,
At the coffee house,
I found a note waiting there,
“Three times I missed you,
Love well until we meet again,
Then I will love you,
With my cool lips and bone hips,
For the endless night,
Where you, my steed, meet my needs,
Until the Riders, Ride.”

Check out other incredibly talented poets at One Stop Poetry – Where Poets, Writers and Artists Meet: One Shot Wednesday – Week 24 http://t.co/Z1qHeQf

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Living with an Open Heart

I wonder sometimes if living with an open heart is the wisest thing to do.  A heart completely open to love is also open to pain.  Don’t get me wrong, both are equally necessary in life, but the pain can cut straight through to the soul.  I remind myself to breathe; when my heart is aching.  Just as love can capture my breath, so can the pain of your silence.  Perhaps there’s nothing to say or maybe we already said too much.  Either way the words sit empty on the page.  Passion fading as time moves forward.
I flounder trying to find the imagery to convey my precise thoughts.  So the meaning is not mistaken.  I know in the end you will read into my words, just as my heart, at times, reads into yours.  There’s no crime here.  Though my heart is bruised it is not broken.  And so I walk again into the flames, because they call my soul to live.  I decided long ago that I would not hide my heart behind vague references.  The passion and feeling is clear.  I live with the pain.  It makes me stronger…and should I, along this winding road, find a person willing to walk along side me, hand-in-hand through the flames, I will count myself among the lucky.  For such love is rare and should never be cast aside.
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