Saffron hills smolder;pillars stand steadfast, undaunted,on barren lands.
The rewrite is much better.
The original post Oleg referenced in his comment:Saffron hills smolder;pillars stand steadfast, againstthe sands of time.Poetry is an ever evolving art form. I hope with this rewrite, I am closer to my goal of perfecting the Haiku. Few written works hold such simplistic beauty. Though the form is difficult to translate, my desire is to capture the spirit of this ancient Japanese art.
I like the first two lines, but "sands of time" doesn't fit. In fact, I really like the image that the first line evokes — vivid, exactly right.
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